Talk Nerdy To Me, Ariana DiLorenzo

                                              "Until The Very End"

I have been an avid reader my entire life. Something that I am very proud to have inherited from my father. When I was 8 years old, my dad quite enthusiastically asked me if I would like to try reading one of his favorite book series, Harry Potter. I was so excited to start reading something that my dad loved and wanted me to enjoy too! I remember laying on my parents bed and reading the first two pages of the Sorcerer’s Stone before shutting the book and proclaiming that it was “too hard.” The words were really confusing and I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around it. My dad was disappointed, but said we could maybe try again when I got a little bigger. A few months later he tried again to introduce me to a fantasy series by asking me if I wanted to read The Chronicles of Narnia. This time, I flat out refused. (What a terrible would-be English major!) I wasn’t quite ready to meet Harry yet.

In the summer of 2001, when I was 10 years old, the first trailer for Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone came out. I don’t remember what movie I had been watching, but when I got home, the first thing I did was tell my dad that a movie was coming out about those books that he liked. I asked him if he would like to go on a daddy/daughter date with me to go see it (one of our many traditions). My dad, being the book worm and crafty father that he was, without missing a beat said, “Only if you read the book first.” Challenge accepted. By the time we went to the movies, I was already half way through The Chamber of Secrets and in the next two months, I finished The Prisoner of Azkaban and The Goblet of Fire. I was hooked and my dad was quite proud of his little Gryffindor.

Suddenly, my dad and I had a “thing”. We talked about Harry Potter endlessly. We would discuss our favorite characters, dissect scenes, and debate which book was the best. We would go see the movies, compare the books, and then complain about what was left out. We were like two kids at Christmas when we got to see our favorite book, The Prisoner of Azkaban, on the big screen. After we went to the midnight release of The Order of the Phoenix, we “raced” to see who could finish the book first. I took a week, and I won, but I’m pretty sure he let me. My dad used Harry Potter to help me think and expand my creativity. It was a challenge I was always willing to take on. My brothers never got into Potter like we did, so it remained our “thing” that no one else could touch. My dad was and always will be my first friend. He was my greatest supporter and a constant ally for a little girl who had begun having anxiety attacks at 12 years old.

When I was 13, my dad was diagnosed with leukemia. My dad was my hero, he was “untouchable,” yet I saw him waste away to skin and bones in the following months. When he got an infection in his IV line, he fell into septic shock and was unconscious for 15 days. He had an 8% chance of even waking up and with each passing day, his organs began to fail. When he woke up (which is another story for another time – but it was indeed what many would call a “miracle”), we discovered that he was deaf. He made it to Christmas and even though we couldn’t afford presents, all we cared about was that he was in remission and was finally home. Unfortunately, after 2 months, we received the news that the cancer had returned. The longer you are in remission; the greater chance you have that your cancer will not return. This was not good.

 We began looking for hope and soon enough, we found it! There is a 25% chance that a sibling will be a match for a bone marrow transplant, yet both of my aunts matched. Again, we had our “miracle”. His hearing was still gone, but he could read lips and if you talked loudly he could hear it as a whisper. We began looking into getting him cochlear implants. For all intents and purposes, my dad was doing better and we believed that he was going to beat it. Unfortunately, he finished his fight on April 18, 2005 and my world effectively stopped.

Harry Potter was no longer just a book and something that I enjoyed. When my dad died, it became a world in which I could escape. I have struggled with anxiety, depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts since my dad passed. Add in a dose of ADHD and my world has stopped spinning. Yet when I was reading Harry Potter, the rest of the world got quiet. I found my sanctuary in the world that J.K. Rowing built. It is a world that will always belong to me and my dad.

When my dad passed my mom knew that she had to continue the traditions that he had started. She took me out at midnight to get The Half-Blood Prince, but surprisingly, I hated being there. My dad had only been gone for a few months and I just couldn’t get excited about it. I was “the girl without a dad” and I felt out of place seeing everyone all dressed up at the book store. Harry Potter was my sanctuary, but realizing that I would have to read The Half-Blood Prince without him, was bitter sweet. It suddenly clicked that he wouldn’t get to see how the books ended. We couldn’t debate scenes and analyze characters anymore. No more movie dates. The books that had been giving me hope, suddenly left me feeling empty. I now related to Harry more than I ever wanted to.

My dad may not have been there, but when my copy of The Deathly Hallows arrived on my door step, I knew that I had to finish Harry’s story for the both of us. I would still have more films to look forward to, but the books that I started reading at 10 years old were done. When I discovered that my name was in the book (Ariana Dumbledore), my mother almost lost her hearing from the scream that erupted from my room. I felt like it was a gift, a nudge from my dad saying “I’m still here” and that I needed to keep reading.

Harry Potter has made me cry at multiple points throughout its pages. However, none hit me quite like when Harry journeyed into the forest and proclaims, “I am ready to die.” Before him appear the spirits of his parents, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin. Harry asks his dad, “You'll stay with me?” His father replies, “Until the very end.” Needless to say, I could not stop crying. I knew what that hopelessness felt like. A year prior I struggled with not wanting to feeling this depressed anymore, but not wanting to inflict anymore pain on my family. I chose the latter. So when I read those words I was reminded that no matter how dark my days may seem, there is always hope and that our loved ones are never truly lost. What I wouldn’t give for one more minute with my dad, but he is and will always be with me, even though he isn’t physically here. I consider myself very lucky to have had him as my dad for 13 years.

For his 10th anniversary this past spring, I got a tattoo in his honor. “Until the very end” is tattooed on my rib cage and was printed backwards so that I could only read the message in the mirror. When Harry looks at the Mirror of Erised, he sees Lily and James. Whenever I look in the mirror, I see a message from my dad reminding me that he has never truly left me. Harry Potter will always have a place in my heart for giving me strength and faith during some of the darkest years of my life. It was the bond that solidified one of my longest friendships, but most importantly, it immortalized my dad’s hopes, fears, and love into its pages.

 My future children may never get to meet my dad, but I will always be able to pass along a story that is “grandpa approved.” My dad was my entire world and when he died, it left a hole in my heart that is still raw and will never fully heal. At the premiere of Deathly Hallows: Part 2, J.K. Rowling concluded her speech by saying, “Whether you come back by page or by the big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home.” Harry Potter may seem “silly” to some people, but it will always be a safe-haven, a home for a lost little girl who misses her dad.

My dad never got to come home from the hospital, but Harry Potter will always bring him back to me.