"The Right" by experimental R&B group KING permeates the room. I often have something as a backdrop whenever I'm playing something. Sometimes I simply appreciate the in-game music, Fallout being a fine example, but I often want my own mood to be set. Not that Animal Crossing: New Leaf doesn't have nice ambient music of it's own, but I needed a little more substance. As butter-smooth as KING is being right now, I still find myself repeatedly hitting my neighbor Hippeux in the head with a bug net, in the attempt to anger him to the point of moving out of my village. Run The Jewels may have been a more appropriate music choice, as I rail on this dude's head for simply having an annoying schtick. I just want a duck to move in the village. I like ducks, and Hippeux has to go. It's mad hot in here.
I get up to turn the fan on. While I'm up I peek out of the crack of where my door is practically closed, but not technically closed, at least not to where I can get yelled at about it for being closed. My dad is yelling at the tv. I didn't have a good enough view to actually see the television screen, so he's either yelling at an opposing sports team, his own sports team, or liberals who are everything that is wrong with this country. That's sarcasm for the record. On my part, not his. You get it, right?
As I sit down to continue my session of gentrification on the 3ds, I can't help but pay attention to the fan. It's spinning. The blades on it, I mean. It's not slowed down or anything, but I can see it all, vividly. It's hard to explain. It's the same exact speed as always yet the spinning isn't a blur, I can see super clearly as if it's super slowed down. Guess it wasn't that hard to explain at all. I'm sweating. I know I said it was mad hot in here, but this is more. I'm dizzy, kind of out of it, sweating, and focusing on these fan propellers way too much.
I awake. I didn't know I fell asleep really. Crap....did I leave my 3ds on all night? It's probably dead, I didn't save, and that stupid mole is gonna give me an earfull. I'm not in my room. Wood....wood on everything. Wood on wood on wood. This is a freakin' log cabin. Not a modern one either where people enjoy the aesthetic but it still has wifi and a Keurig, more of an actual Skyrim, Dragon's Dogma-esque actual effing log cabin. This bed is practically hay on wood. And there is a fireplace! This entire enclosure is wood and hay, and there is a fireplace! Brilliant! And most importantly, where am I!? Possibly more important, why wasn't that my first thought?! And in third, in a sentence exlaiming excitement and a question, does the question mark or exclamation point come first?! Does it depend on which emotion is stronger?
I walk outside, before some creepy guy with a mustache pulls up in a white van and comes back in to check on his prey. I have no clue where I am and how I got here. I don't remember anything. I don't remember my name, where I'm from, I sure as heck don't remember the first three paragraphs. My memory bank is empty. Entirely empty. I can traverse it, strangely enough. I can search the depths of my mind, like a CPU. There is something here. Tucked away in the corner of what I'm going to assume is a brain crevice or something, a bit of information. I open my mouth to relay whatever information I find.
"Monday Night Raw opens up with Triple H's music. Well, I mean it was him or Steph that was going to start the show off with a 20 minute promo (Turns out we get both. Hurray!) Dude delivers a pretty solid promo, for someone who is known for delivering solid promos. Not great, not boring....solid. Authority is necessary. We all listen to authority in our lives. We hate it, but it's necessary. That kind of stuff. Dean Ambrose guitar riff thing that sounds like the Road Warriors opening riff! What a rush! Dean limps out in a way that implies to some that he's injured, but implies to me that he's a G, and he's fixing to collect his money from Trips. It appears they are heading towards a program with Dean and Trips. This is interesting, considering this should be Roman, and hint hint, Roman isn't actually injured (You seen Byron slip him that blood capsule.) Dean challenges Trips, and to a title match at that. "You can't beat him" chants toward Trips. This is great. Dean, by the way, is gold on the mic. Why? Because he doesn't cut promos like a wrestler. He talks like a human being. He has the support of the fans, way more than Roman. I like Dean Ambrose if that hasn't been clear yet. Roman.....not so much. We get an Oscars reference. The fans didn't react to it, because they're here to watch wrestling, not the writers try to be relevant. Dean wants an answer by the end of the night.
Quesalupa commercial. They're not bad, but underwhelming. Pepsi commercial. I hate my job. I really hate it. Check on me later.
Ric Flair and Charlotte at ringside. Out comes Becky Lynch. If you haven't watch Becky on NXT, she can go, and is a great talent, and the main roster needs to utilize that more. She has a dope entrance as well. Out comes Sasha Banks. So you can just scratch all that I said about Becky. Sasha Banks vs Bayley at the recent two NXT specials were AMAZING! Sasha Banks is completely capable of being to top heel of pro wrestling, and completely showed it in NXT. Gonna get personal, seeing a woman, and one of color, be that good at what she does, in an industry that has never been for women, people of color, and naturally, not women of color, and be that over with the fanbase....she is amazing. I pull for Sasha Banks. She's dope on all cylinders. Becky Lynch can eat a booger at this point. My mom on the couch complaining about their fake hair colors. (I watch Raw at my parents' house, as I don't have cable.) Any womens match, there is a spewing of hatred from my mom. Those boobs are bought. Those are hair extensions. We get it, mom.
The fans are into this match, which I love. We've been conditioned for a while that the womens matches are the bathroom break of the show. Slowly, that perception is changing. Again, go watch Sasha vs Bayley. Both matches. Pay for the Network. Find it on youtube, find it illegally, steal a physical copy from a dvd store, just slide it into that large hoody you own for such thievery. Watch it! Back to the match, some solid wrestling here. I love it.
Chrisley commercial. Clayuss not Ayuss!
Back to the match. Double knees to the face of Becky by Sasha and a solid dropkick from Becky are highlights of this one. Double pin. Draw. Not the smoothest ending there, but still, proud of Becky and Sasha here. Hoping this leads to a triple threat at Mania, as both Becky and Sasha deserve to be in the title match at Mania. The fans seem to agree here.
Wyatts promo. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, Bray says. Is he taking shots at the booking and writing? The irony of the Wyatts saying this. Poor Bray, he constantly delivers what I consider captivating promos, simply trying to explain his own horrible booking in metaphysical voodoo metaphors.
Dolph Ziggler vs The Miz. This is the first moment of Raw where I would break out my PS Vita or 3ds if I wasn't now reviewing the show. Wrestling commences. Miz wins with a rollup. Not sure where this is going. They show some country music guy in the crowd. I could care less, but it didn't make me actively angry at least, like anything involving Flo Rida or Florida Georgia Line on Raw.
Recap of Shane McMahon last week. I know it was last week, but.....them Jordan 1's though. Shane ain't playin' with yall. Undertaker has the match in the bag as long as he don't step on Shane's feet. Step on Shane's Js at Mania, Taker's gonna be the Deadman for real.
Steph comes out. Her music is perfect for her character. That horrible rap music that people think people who listen to rap enjoy, but we actually don't even know who that is rapping, because it's hot garbage. I bet Stephanie likes Macklemore. I just hurled all over my keyboard. Went to Walmart to buy another one. Back. Vincent J McMahon Award Ceremony speech. A lot of hatred towards Shane. I would bet money a lot of these feelings are real, as her acting is actually decent here. Shane was never here while I was here on every Raw. Sounds like Cena when he was so butthurt that the fans liked The Rock. That family seems so much like Game of Thrones. I'm glad I'm an only child.
Lucha Dragons vs Sheamus and Rusev. JBL mentions wanting to ban the "Lucha" chant. Wonder who he's voting for. Rusev gets the pin. None of us were paying attention to this match. League of Nations is such a fail.
Natalya with a Subway plug. Funny story, last week I was talking up how lately I've been craving tuna salad sandwiches. I ended up getting one from Subway at some point. But, my dad made a thing of tuna salad for me to take home and make sandwiches. So....that's a thing not crucial to this wrestling review at all.
Domino's commercial. They have their own car now!
Ryback comes out without all that stupid merch he wears. Squashes Adam Rose in a match. We can take Ryback seriously again. Rose looks like when I was a child in my underwear pretending to be a wrestler.
OHHHHHHHH NASHVILLE, DON'T YOU DARE BE SOUR! Out come New Day. They talk about "loose booty", does that mean what I assume it means? Sonic and Tails, and Snoop and Dre references. I no longer ever have to explain why I love New Day, ever. They even said Y2AJ in a way that tells me they know how stupid it is. Just to be clear. Y2AJ.........everything about it.....I loathe. You already have nothing for AJ Styles to do, and he just got here. Ok, WWE, whatever. New Day vs Y2AJ. Wrestling commences. At a point in the match, Kofi slides out of the ring, where Xavier Woods tells Kofi to draw a card. Kofi draws a card. Xavier inquires what card he drew. "I got his number!" My life is complete. Y2AJ win the match. AJ and Cool Dad Jericho cut a promo. Even they sound like they know it's a stupid name.
Todd Chrisley in the crowd! You need to quit runnin around here actin like Larry Flint!
Out comes Vince. I wish Vince's age was more incorporated into his character. Face Vince comes out passing out Werther's Originals to fans, heel Vince complains about minorities taking over the country. Book it! So he cuts a promo, and it's always weird, because he seems to acknowledge that people want Shane to win because they want change, and are sick of the booking and writing and format. He doesn't come out and say that, but I get the sense that he gets that. So....why don't YOU just deliver a better product? Either way, Taker comes out. Vince starts to talk and Taker grabs him by the "goozler strap" as my dad refers to the neck area. Taker says like two lines. Best use of Taker. Something like "You know who I am, You know what I do. The blood of your son is gonna be on your hands, not mine." Then he leaves. Vince continues his old man ramblings. Shane will no longer be his son, but rather, just a son of a b. Hilarious.
An Uso vs Bubba Ray Dudley is next. D'Von cheats, and they point out that the Dudleys are hypocrites for using a table when they refused to do it anymore, but fail to point out the hypocrisy that D'Von was a reverend, and they clearly bleeped out him using curse words. Shame on you D'Von!
I wasn't a big fan of the Goldust/R-Truth stuff, but it seems to be heading in an interesting direction. I'm intrigued enough. I'll bite. Anyways, R-Truth shuts down Goldust before he can even say anything, then seems to feel bad about it.
Kevin Owens vs Big Show is next. How bittersweet, the lovely taste of Kevin Owens mixed with the Big Show-y taste of vomit and cat terds. Even Kevin Owens can't make me care about this match. Big Show wins by a countout, and he has a big dumb face.
Interview with Brie Bella backstage. She's the worst actor ever. Lana shows up. I'm guessing this will lead to something. I wonder if Lana is finally going to wrestle a match. Naomi vs Brie is the actual match coming up. I'm sure my mom complained about something. One of Naomi's shoes wasn't turned on, which is the only thing I really noticed about the match. Naomi wins by a submission. Lana comes out. Previous thoughts.
The Freebirds are being inducted into the Hall of Fame. Heavy editing was done to find these jokers without being draped in rebel flags. If movies were people, Michael Hayes would be a Lifetime movie. That's what I think of the quality of him as a human being.
Sasha and Becky are backstage arguing over who won. In comes Charlotte with Ric. Sasha and Becky have another match on Smackdown to determine who faces Charlotte at Mania.
Dean Ambrose comes out for his match against Alberto Del Rio. I kind of dozed off during this entire match, and was awakened by the sound of Triple H's music. Trips comes down for a beatdown on Dean Ambrose, seemingly like an acknowledgement that this should be the story going into Mania, and Roman shouldn't be anywhere near this situation. I'm heavily intrigued by the direction of Mania at this point. Could Dean win from Triple H next week on Raw and face Roman at Mania? Who's the heel there? Raw ends, and I have no idea how to close out the review, and I don't wanna close out with a 'see you guys next time'. So.......yep."
I stand outside the log cabin, in the cold of the night, staring down at a dirt road in front of me, and darkness in the distance, completely vexed as to why a summary of a three hour wrestling show uncontrollably spewed from my mouth. A previously unnoticed shadowy figure approaches. I can't see who or what it is, due to the darkness of night, but I hear in a gravely voice "You're him...the one spoken of in the ancient prophecies."
What?
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